


One step at a time

by yuraxchan



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Trauma, dubcon, mentions of cheating, noncon, sexual disorder (dyspareunia)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-08 02:34:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3192044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuraxchan/pseuds/yuraxchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sex was supposed to be mind-blowing, earth shattering and all that jazz. Maybe for others yes, but not for Sehun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One step at a time

**Author's Note:**

> It's weird, I don't know where my ideas come from. If I forgot warnings please do tell me. Unbeta-ed. (Crossposted.)

 

Sehun tried to stifle his cries, shoving his face in the pillow, as he clenched his jaw tight. His boyfriend didn’t seem to notice his discomfort as he rammed into him with powerful thrusts, panting loudly in his ear and mumbling filthy things he thought would turn Sehun on.

_At least one of them seemed to enjoy it_ , Sehun thought sourly. He couldn’t blame his actual boyfriend though, sex was supposed to feel good after all. It was supposed to be mind-blowing, earth shattering and all that jazz.

Maybe for others yes, but not for Sehun.

Sehun didn’t know why or how it happened but ever since his first time having sex he couldn’t find any pleasure in the act. Never. It was always uncomfortable and painful for him. At first, he had thought it was normal that it hurt, that his boyfriend was simply inexperienced, and when they broke up, he had thought that everything would be fine with another person. However, he was proven wrong as soon as his next boyfriend sank on his cock. But still, even at that time he had just thought the guy wasn’t good in bed. (It ended terribly because he couldn’t get it up and softened immediately when the guy tried to jerk him off–it was awkward and Sehun had decided right then and there that he wouldn’t top ever again.)

After multiple tries, Sehun came to the conclusion that sex wasn’t going to be good for him. Ever. He stuck at being the bottom and being taken from behind to hide the fact that it hurt and that he wasn’t turn on at all. If he was lucky he could jerk off quickly before the guy would come so that he wouldn’t see anything. Other times he pretexted being exhausted or having dry orgasms (some of his boyfriends not knowing what dry orgasms were helped too). And finally, when his boyfriends became too suspicious he would simply break up with them.

Honestly, it was exhausting to fake wanting to have sex, to fake being aroused, to hide his secret from his boyfriends (he had feelings for them okay?) but he hadn’t a choice. He just wished he could talk about it with someone at this point, but he didn’t know who.

He had never talked to anyone about it before because all his friends liked sex and talked about it like it was the most amazing thing of their life. How Sehun could tell them that for him sex was more like a punishment? He had never told his boyfriends either, knowing they wouldn’t understand or would try other positions or shit like that to help him.

That’s the reason why, after breaking up with his sixth boyfriend, Sehun was nursing his heartbreak with his friends and alcohol. His best friend, Jongin, could immediately tell something was wrong but didn’t ask any question before handing him a drink when he sat heavily beside him. Junmyeon had been less subtle with his worrying but hadn’t tried to talk to him about it either, and for that Sehun was glad. And Baekhyun…Baekhyun only made fun of his blank face as usual.

  
Baekhyun was currently in the middle of a monologue, telling him he should have sex friends or one night stand instead of dating because obviously Sehun wasn’t good in relationships and should just stick to the sex part.  _Of course_. Sehun rolled his eyes at him but didn’t say anything, knowing that 1) Baekhyun was shitfaced 2) his friend didn’t know he was making it harder for him by saying that because he knew nothing about Sehun’s condition.

Jongin too wasn’t being helpful, well he had tried at least, suggesting him to go see a psychologist. Jongin was his friend for the longest time, he knew the separation of his parents had been hard on Sehun. It made sense that being in a relationship, believing in love and commitment wouldn’t be easy for him, and for his best friend the roots of the problem lay in his parents’ divorce. It could be true if Sehun’s problem was the relationship part but it wasn’t and he couldn’t tell Jongin that. He only nodded along, his mind wandering off. Maybe he should drink more and get shitfaced like Baekhyun.

Come to think of it, it sounded like a good idea.

Once he had enough alcohol in his system to start having fun, he moved to the dance floor and disappeared in the see of people. He danced with a few girls and guys, laughing with them, letting them touch him, kiss him even. He liked the attention. It made him feel wanted and normal. Sehun needed to unwind, to forget who he was and how shitty his life was for a while. He didn’t remember much about the following hours only that Baekhyun had joined him at some point to tell him someone had been watching him intensely all night. His friend had pushed him towards the guy with a wink, whispering in his ear that he should just go for it and stop thinking.

So Sehun did, following his advice, and woke up in a hotel room near the club the next morning with a pounding headache and another man snoring in his ear. He groaned and shut his eyes as soon as he opened them, deciding he needed more sleep. It was too early to deal with _this_ , whatever it was.

When he woke up the next time, he was alone in the bed and he could hear the shower running. He lifted the sheets and wasn’t surprised by his nakedness. His ass wasn’t hurting though and it left him confused, knowing there was no way he would have been able to top–drunk or not. (He had tried once sleeping with someone while being drunk to see if it helped. It didn’t.)

  
The shower stopped running and Sehun tightened his grip on the sheets. Should he dress up quickly and go? He didn’t have the time to think too much about it before the door was opened and a young man appeared in front of him. He was tall, taller than Sehun for sure, had a nice body and a nice face too. The guy smiled and Sehun stared. A very nice smile as well.

“Hi?” The guy asked. “I’m Chanyeol, you’re Sehun right?”

“Yes, Sehun.” He replied, pulling the sheets up to his neck.

This Chanyeol looked nice and all but he was still a stranger and Sehun didn’t remember a thing about last night. Besides he was naked while Chanyeol was partially dressed–even if he only wore pants–and it made him feel self-conscious.

  
“Did we…” He began.

“Sleep together?” Chanyeol finished for him. “No, we didn’t. You passed out before we could do more than undress each other.”

Sehun groaned and hid his face, ashamed. “I’m sorry?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Chanyeol laughed, looking amused. “I kind of knew you wouldn’t make it far. You were pretty smashed after all.”

Licking his lips, Sehun nodded. He looked around the room, searching for his clothes but couldn’t see them. Chanyeol, as if reading his mind, retrieved them from the floor and handed them to him with his trademark smile.

“Thank you.” Sehun said quietly, suddenly shy.

He hesitated and Chanyeol understood, only pointing the door to make him understand that he would wait in the bathroom before disappearing. Sehun changed quickly then knocked on the door.

Once they were face to face, both of them dressed this time, Sehun felt uncomfortable, not knowing what to say. Fortunately for him, Chanyeol was the one who broke the silence. “Well, this is awkward. Mmh, even if nothing happened yesterday, I was hoping maybe we could stay in touch?” He asked, a hopeful expression on his face, before adding a quick “If you want I mean!”

Biting his lips, Sehun smiled softly, his shoulder relaxing. “Yes, of course. It would be nice.”

Chanyeol smiled. “We could finish what we started…” He began before backtracking when he saw Sehun’s face falling. “…or not. We could just hang out or something. Do you like coffee?”

Nodding, Sehun was relieved, though he couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty.

 

 

 

 

They had exchanged numbers, and texted for a few days until Chanyeol asked him out at a coffee shop as he promised. Naturally, it didn't come as a surprise when they began dating shortly after.

Sehun was a bit reluctant at first, knowing that once again the story would repeat itself but he had found it hard not to fall for Chanyeol’s charms. Chanyeol had everything he wanted in a man and was the perfect boyfriend material. But more than that Sehun didn’t want be lonely, even with his situation, particularly because of his situation, he wanted to be like everyone else. Having a boyfriend was normal. It was natural.

Chanyeol quickly understood where their boundaries stood. He knew when to push Sehun and when to pull back. Sehun didn’t have to say anything for him to know when he had to step back and give Sehun space. It was a nice change for the younger who wasn’t used to be with someone as cautious and attentive as Chanyeol. He had always tried to hide his reluctance with a blank face and in the past no one saw past his fake emotionless mask. But Chanyeol was different, he could immediately detect it when Sehun retrieved himself into his shell.

Sehun was glad, althought it made him uncomfortable as well. Chanyeol hadn’t tried to have sex with him in the three months they have been together and he didn’t know what to make of it. He liked kissing Chanyeol, he liked touching him, hell, he even liked giving him a handjob or a blowjob. Chanyeol’s pleasure face gave him joy, Sehun’s chest swelled with pride and affection knowing he was the cause of it.

Chanyeol let Sehun touch him as much as he wanted without doing anything in return. He never tried to dominate Sehun to rut against him, he never pushed him against the mattress to have his way with him, and he never laid a finger on any sensitive part of the younger’s body. Sure, Sehun gave him pleasure but shouldn’t he find it weird that Sehun didn’t ask to be touched? The younger could see his boyfriend ached to touch him back, to mark him, to possess him. Sometimes his eyes would darken and he would hold Sehun’s hips tightly, breathing harshly against his neck and nipping at his jaw before releasing him. In a blink of an eye Chanyeol’s hands would be off his body as if he had been burnt.

Sehun was thinking about this while shopping with Jongin, he was confused and it made his head hurt. “Say, did Chanyeol ever talk to you about us?” He tried asking his best friend.

Jongin looked at him strangely and shook his head. “No. Never. Why? Trouble in paradise? Did you two fight?”

“No. It’s just…It’s nothing.” He finally replied with a sigh.

His best friend bumped their shoulders and smiled. “What is bothering you? You can talk to me you know?”

Sehun hesitated. “I have a feeling that Chanyeol is holding back with me.”

Jongin looked thoughtful then nodded. “I guess he is. Maybe he could see that you’re guarded? His major is psychology right? Maybe it has something to do with it.”

Sehun suddenly stopped walking. Could it be? Did Chanyeol know? He never thought about it this way before but Jongin was right, Chanyeol was studying psychology. Did it mean he knew? Could it be that he had figured it out? Sehun’s throat became suddenly dry at the thought. He didn’t know what to think. One part of him was anxious and ashamed but the other part was curious. If Chanyeol did know what was happening to Sehun maybe he could help him, maybe Sehun could finally talk to someone about it?

  
Jongin gently grab his wrist, drawing Sehun back to reality, and frowned. “Hey, are you alright?”

“Yes, sorry.” Sehun replied, smiling reassuringly at him. “Come on, we got lots of stuff to buy!”

His best friend let himself be pulled towards another store without saying anything, but kept glancing at him worriedly for the next hour.

 

 

 

 

Sehun tried to breach the subject the day after while he and Chanyeol were enjoying their date at Lotte World. They had decided to rest and eat something before taking another ride. Sehun was playing with his waffle, not eating it, his thoughts being all jumbled and fuzzy.

Chanyeol quickly caught up on it. “What’s wrong?”

The younger bit his lips and looked into his boyfriend’s eyes. “Why are you so cautious around me?”

Understanding fell on Chanyeol’s face and he wiped his mouth before clearing his throat. “Why are you asking? Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“It’s just…strange. You’re never pushing me to do things I don’t want, you only do what I ask you to and you never ask for things either. Why?” Sehun asked carefully.

“Maybe you don’t remember because you were drunk but that night you-” Sehun gasped. “What did I say?”

Chanyeol smiled softly. “Nothing, even if I’d like it if you did.”

Sehun licked his lips and lowered his gaze, not knowing what to expect. Chanyeol put his hands on the table in front of them, his palms upwards in an invitation, and smiled gently at him. The younger looked surprised but didn’t hesitate before grabbing them.

“At first, you came to me, we talked a bit then we kissed and made out in the club for a while. Everything was good as long as I didn’t try sneaking my hands under your clothes. I immediately understood that you didn’t like being touched, though you had nothing against touching others.” He explained, smirking at Sehun at the end of his sentence.

The younger rolled his eyes and hit his leg with his foot, urging him on. “I asked you if you wanted to go with me and you said yes but you looked conflicted.”

“It had nothing to do with you!” Sehun cut him off. He wanted to make it clear that nothing was wrong with Chanyeol. His boyfriend needed to know it at least.

  
“I know.” Chanyeol appeased him. “When we arrived at the hotel room you weren’t thinking straight and I knew we weren’t going to do anything. Still, I let you undress me and touch me as you wished–you were really into it by the way–but when I began undressing you something changed in your expression.”

Sehun squeezed his hands. He already knew where it was going.

“You just froze and I was scared I did something wrong or that you were going to faint. You stayed motionless for a minute or two before you took off your own clothes and lay on the bed on your stomach.” Chanyeol went on, frowning while reminiscing the moment.

“I’m sorry I scared you. It must have been the alcohol, I wouldn’t have act that way if I had been sober.” Sehun apologized, feeling uncomfortable.

Chanyeol sighed. “But I wouldn’t have seen anything if you didn’t. I had a few glasses as well, maybe I wouldn’t have understood if you didn’t stop.”

“What happened then?” His boyfriend asked instead of replying.

“You stayed still, you didn’t even look at me when I joined you on the bed. You spread your legs and you looked as if you were ready for me to take all I wanted. It felt like you were resigned to what would happen. But I didn’t want that, I wanted to have sex with you, yes, but not like that.” Chanyeol insisted, his thumbs caressing his hands. “I kissed your back and you tensed a little, it was subtle but I felt it. I trailed my fingers on your body and you kept still, you didn’t make a sound even when I pinched your hip. It was like you didn’t feel anything, like it wasn’t pleasurable at all for you to be touched.”

Sehun made a move to retrieve his hands but Chanyeol gripped them tighter, his eyes pleading. “You’re safe with me Sehun. Don’t hide.”

The younger’s eyes widened and his breath hitched. How did he know?

“I understood that night that something was up. I didn’t exactly know what so I stopped touching you and we slept. You know the rest.” His boyfriend concluded.

A silence. Sehun opened his mouth then closed it.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He ended saying.

“Did something happen when you were younger…?” Chanyeol’s voice was warm, careful. It made Sehun feel safe and he relaxed a little. “No. Not that I remember…”

“Did someone ever force you?” His boyfriend asked. “I’m sorry for asking but just to be sure.”

Sehun shook his head. “No, never. I mean, no one touched me without my consent. Sex had never been good for me but no one forced me.”

Chanyeol looked pensive. “Never?”

“Never. I tried being on top, bottom, I tried having sex while being drunk, I even tried it with girls…It always hurt.” Sehun sighed, frustrated.

Chanyeol looked worried. “It hurts? Where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere, but mostly here.” Sehun confessed, pointing to his chest. “It’s like someone is squeezing my heart really hard. It’s really painful. Sometimes I can’t even breathe.”

Understanding drew on Chanyeol’s face and his gaze softened. “Sehun…” He trailed off, biting his lips. The younger was frowning, a painful expression on his face as he massaged his chest absentmindedly. He looked lost in his thoughts and confused, and it made his boyfriend’s heart hurt.

Chanyeol wanted to ask more, to push the subject but he was afraid to hurt Sehun. His boyfriend already looked so sad, confused and hurt, he didn’t want him to think about it anymore. Sehun had his secrets and Chanyeol respected that. But Chanyeol had a feeling Sehun didn’t even know what secrets he hid and had buried deep inside of him.

 

 

 

 

Not wanting to meddle with Sehun’s life was Chanyeol’s first resolution. But as time passed, he couldn’t just stand here and do nothing, he had to help Sehun one way or another. Sehun could maybe convince himself that it was normal, that it was and would be his life but Chanyeol knew it wasn’t. He didn’t want Sehun to settle for this, he was sure there would be a way to heal him.

He chose to ask Jongin about it, he knew Sehun like the back of his hand so he should be able to help Chanyeol, right?

  
“So…you wanted to talk about Sehun.” Jongin began cautiously. “Did something happen?”

Chanyeol could see in his expression that he wasn’t that surprised. The younger looked resigned. Maybe this kind of conversation happened before with Sehun’s exes?

“Yes, I…uh…I need to ask you something.” Chanyeol stated. “Do you know if something happened to Sehun when you were younger?”

Frowning, Jongin put down his cup of coffee. “What? What do you mean? Well, Sehun’s parents divorced and it hurt him a lot…That’s why all his relationships are complicated.”

Chanyeol bit his lips, pensive, before shaking his head. “No, it can’t be that simple.”

Jongin arched his eyebrow, annoyed. “What do you mean simple? Are you joking? Sehun ran away from home, he stopped smiling and talking to me, he was angry and hurt and he wouldn’t eat for days, how is that simple?” He snarled.

It made Chanyeol pause before he widened his eyes comically. “No, I didn’t mean it like that. I know it hurt Sehun, but it doesn’t explain why he acts that way.”

“How come? His parents fought a lot, stopped loving each other before splitting, how can Sehun believe in love and relationship?” The younger asked with a sigh.

“Sehun believes in love.” Chanyeol stated firmly. He was confused, it looked like they weren’t talking about the same thing. “Wait, what are you talking about exactly?”

“The fact that he can’t keep a boyfriend around for long because he can’t commit…?” Jongin tried, rubbing his jaw nervously. He looked at Chanyeol with sad puppy eyes. Something clicked.

“Sehun and I, we’re fine. I mean, we’re planning to stay together you know. That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about!” He explained softly.

Jongin visibly deflated and relaxed in his chair. He looked relieved and it made Chanyeol smile. He was happy to see that he was in Sehun’s best friend good grace and that Jongin would be upset if they had broken up. But seeing Jongin’s reaction, Chanyeol concluded that the younger didn’t know about Sehun’s problem. Should he still ask him? Would Sehun be mad? Surely, he would, but Chanyeol needed to do whatever it took to help him.

“Sehun has no problem with the relationship part, Jongin.” He confessed. “It’s the sex part of the relationship that’s fucked up.”

Jongin’s eyes widen and he opened his mouth, shocked. “What do you mean?” It looked like it was the first time he heard about that.

Chanyeol’s eyes wandered, making sure no one was listening to their conversation. They were talking about Sehun’s intimacy after all. “Sehun…He doesn’t enjoy sex. It’s never good for him but it’s not physical. It’s like he’s punishing himself, like he prevents himself from enjoying it. Like he shouldn’t take pleasure in the act. And I think it’s linked to something that happened in his childhood.”

“You mean a trauma?” Jongin asked, lost. Chanyeol nodded. “Wow…I never knew. I thought he never stayed with his boyfriends because he didn’t love them or didn’t want to commit. He always brought someone home with him…How could it be?”

“He slept with them but he never enjoyed it. Sehun doesn’t like people touching him, when it happens he cut himself off from reality and stops feeling. It’s a defense mechanism. He doesn’t want to feel anything because he thinks he doesn’t deserve it. Even if his body enjoys it, his mind can’t. That’s why he said it hurts, it’s not physical but psychological.” Chanyeol reasoned.

Jongin kept silent, not knowing what to answer. He felt like a fool. All this time Sehun was hurting and he didn’t even see it.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it okay? You couldn’t know. Sehun didn’t say anything and didn’t show it. Even his exes never understood you know, so don’t blame yourself.” Chanyeol tried to reassure him, patting his arm.

Jongin didn’t look convinced but didn’t say anything, offering him a small smile instead. “So, what now?”

“I want him to remember what happened, even if it is traumatizing he needs to know in order to heal. I just don’t know how yet.” He answered with a sigh.

 

 

 

 

First, they tried watching porn together. Chanyeol had downloaded a bit of everything and had asked Sehun to come over to watch it. The younger had found the idea ridiculous but he still humored his boyfriend nonetheless.

The lesbian porn didn’t do anything, Sehun just looked bored. When they put some amatory gay sex tape, Sehun looked more interested but nothing spectacular. “Do…you get turn on by it?” Chanyeol tried subtly.

The younger groaned and took his hand to put it on his tenting shorts. “What do you think?” Chanyeol nodded simply, feeling a little uncomfortable himself. He had to focus on Sehun’s situation but it was difficult when all he wanted to do was to jump the younger. They were watching gay porn  _together_  after all. “Do you want me to get you off?” Sehun asked suddenly, eyeing his hard on with his usual poker face.

Chanyeol sighed. “No, thanks.” He wanted to say yes, but knowing Sehun wouldn’t get any pleasure in the act was turning him off.

It was when Chanyeol switched to the regular porn that Sehun finally showed a reaction. He tensed and frowned at the screen, visibly uncomfortable. It wasn’t the simple disgusted face of a gay man at the sight of a female body, it was much more than that. Sehun looked angry and conflicted. Something was wrong. The younger looked like he was pushing away the images he was seeing. Chanyeol wanted to stop the video because he didn’t like to see his boyfriend uneasy but at the same time maybe it could help him regain his memories.

He slid over towards Sehun until their thighs were touching to show him he was here. Sehun’s eyes were still glued to the screen, he couldn’t look away. He was licking his lips, clenching and unclenching his fists as Chanyeol waited for him to say something. Then, he closed his eyes, breathing out a “Stop it please”.

Chanyeol obeyed immediately and pressed stop, worried. “What is it?”

Sehun’s lips were set on a thin line. “I don’t like it.” He didn’t say anything else and Chanyeol dropped the subject, feeling disappointed and dejected. Maybe he wasn’t enough, maybe Sehun needed the help of a professional.

 

 

 

 

They fought. Chanyeol had tried to convince him to see a specialist but Sehun had gotten angry at him, saying awful things he didn’t really think but still hurt his boyfriend. Sehun had said he was better off alone than with Chanyeol, that he had been better before and that he didn’t need a baby-sitter. His boyfriend took everything in a stride and didn’t answer, knowing it would only add oil to the fire.

It didn’t mean he wasn’t upset or hurt about it though.

Maybe he had been wrong to try to help Sehun, maybe he shouldn’t have meddled with his life and maybe he shouldn’t have talked to Jongin about it either. Sehun was angry and felt betrayed, and of course Chanyeol could understand why. He really regretted talking about it with Jongin because now Sehun was mad at his best friend too.

Chanyeol felt tired and helpless. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He liked Sehun, he could even say he loved him at this point, but he knew that sometimes loving someone wasn’t enough. And maybe that was the case now, maybe his love for Sehun wasn’t enough to help him. Sehun needed more. Maybe Sehun really needed someone else. It hurt Chanyeol’s heart to think about this eventuality but it could be the case.

With that possibility in mind, he finally dropped the bomb when he texted the younger for the umpteenth time that day. Sehun hadn’t replied to his calls or texts and didn’t want to meet him and Chanyeol was getting tired of it.

_Maybe we should break up_

_Finally tired of not getting laid uh_

_You’re the one pushing me away Sehun.  And you know it’s not true._

_Why do you want to break up then?_

_Because I can’t help you._

_This is stupid. You are stupid._

The last message confused Chanyeol to no end. What should he do? Sehun was angry at him but it didn’t look like he wanted to break up with him either. It was too confusing and he hated it. He sent the exact same words at Sehun but the younger didn’t answer back this time.

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol was surprised to see Sehun at his door the next day. The younger’s usually perfect complexion was tarnished by dark circles, a blemish skin and even some pimples. He wore a cap on his unstylish hair, a hoodie too big for him (wasn’t it Chanyeol’s?) and grey joggings. Sehun appeared worn out and it wasn’t a look Chanyeol liked on his boyfriend.

“Hi” The younger breathed out, uncomfortable. “Can I come in?”

Still surprised by his sudden appearance, Chanyeol only nodded and made a vague gesture towards his apartment. Sehun brushed past him in the direction of the bedroom where he face planted on the bed, a confused Chanyeol trailing after him. The bed wasn’t made but it didn’t seem to deter Sehun who toed off his shoes and threw away his cap before snuggling under the blanket.

Chanyeol observed him curiously, still standing at the door. What was he supposed to do or say now? Wasn’t Sehun mad? Why was he here, in  _his_  apartment, in  _his_  bed?

“Aren’t you coming?” Sehun mumbled in  _his_  cushion.

Frowning, Chanyeol hesitated only for a second before marching towards the bed and joining Sehun under the cover. The room was too hot for his taste so he took off his hoodie and pants to make himself comfortable. When he finally lay down he was surprised to see Sehun carefully detailing him. They looked at each other in silence until Chanyeol broke it. “You should undress. It isn’t comfortable to sleep with your clothes on, you’ll feel hot.”

Sehun grinned and sat up, pulling off his hoodie and jogging. “You just want to get me naked.” He joked, throwing Chanyeol a knowing glance when his boyfriend’s eyes trailed down his body. Of course Sehun wasn't wearing underwear,  _of course_.

“I see you naked all the time, Sehun.” He snorted, rolling his eyes.

The younger eyed him strangely, letting out a small “Yeah?”. Then, biting his lips, he lay down again, snuggling closer and putting his head on Chanyeol’s chest. His boyfriend smiled a little and held his arms over his head to accommodate him, letting Sehun get comfortable. His boyfriend’s attitude was strange but then again it was the first time they had a fight and Chanyeol didn’t know Sehun that well yet to know all his quirks. It was cute though, Sehun was all shy and uneasy; it was a nice change from his usual nonchalant and detached self.

Chanyeol wanted to talk but when he looked down the younger was out like a light. He must have been really exhausted to fall asleep that quickly. Not feeling sleepy at all, the older one listened to the rhythmic beating of Sehun’s heart against his skin and the soft puffs of air he breathed out.

At some point, he fell asleep too, waking up later to Sehun going down on him. He didn’t know if it was the younger’s way of apologizing but he wasn’t going to complain. Even knowing Sehun liked to pleasure him, he still felt a bit guilty to be the only one being taken care of—he knew better than touching Sehun though. It was hard; his body craved Sehun’s, his hands ached to touch him, to kiss him, to pleasure him. He wanted to ravish him, to make love to him, he wanted them to get closer. It was more than the lust talking now, after all these months beside the younger he had developed deep and complicated feelings. And today he could say that he really really really liked Sehun, so having his boyfriend’s nude body so close to him without being able to touch him was pure torture for Chanyeol.

  
Thinking about these things while Sehun gave him a fabulous blowjob made him  feel guiltier. He couldn’t look him in the eyes when he pulled away from him and popped out from under the cover. His boyfriend’s lips were red and shiny with saliva and cum and he looked breathless but still better than when he arrived. Chanyeol cupped his face and kissed his cheek, forcing him to lie down on his body. Sehun tensed when his hand came to rest on his bare back but he said nothing.

“You were distracted,” The younger commented “My blowjob skills are that shitty?”

Chanyeol knew he was partly joking but he could detect the slight quiver in his voice. Sehun was worried. Chanyeol didn’t know if he was really worried about his blowjob skills, or feeling insecure about himself and their relationship. Anyway, whatever it was, Chanyeol had to reassure his boyfriend.

“Don’t be stupid, you know it’s not that.” He answered softly.

“Then, are you getting tired of them?” Sehun pressed.

Chanyeol frowned. “What are you really asking Sehun?”

The younger sighed and pulled away from him, lying down next to him instead. Chanyeol peered at him curiously, turning his body to face him.

  
“Don’t you want…more?” He asked bluntly.

“Of course I want more,” Chanyeol confessed “But your well-being is more important than me wanting you.” He paused, searching for his words. “I know you’re mad at me for talking to Jongin, and for suggesting you got help but I’m doing it for you, I like you a lot Sehun. I’ll be honest, the selfish part of me wishes you would get better so that we can finally take another step in our relationship. And, all this time I wished I would be the one who could help you. But I’m not. Frankly, I don’t even know if our relationship will survive this, even if you do get better, that’s why I sent you this text.”

Sehun bit his lips and his eyes softened. “So you don’t want to break up with me?”

Chanyeol groaned, sitting up quickly. “God, no. I don’t want to break up with you. I told you, I like you.” He blurted out, cupping Sehun’s jaw tenderly to get the message across.

“Okay,” Sehun’s shoulders slumped. “I will try.”

Stunned, his boyfriend’s eyes widened. “You will try?”

“Yeah, that therapy thing,” He whispered. “I’ll try for you. But I don’t know if-” He was cut off when Chanyeol engulfed him in a tight hug, cradling him against his chest. “Thank you.” He whispers in his ear, touched.

 

 

 

 

Chanyeol was humming to the last hit song playing on the radio when his boyfriend opened the car door. “Have you been waiting for a long time?” Sehun asked with a frown after he had sat down and closed the door.

“No, don’t worry.” Chanyeol grinned, pulling him by his shirt to peck him on the lips. “How was it?” He moved on, buckling his belt.

Sehun did the same and sighed. “Fine I guess, it’s only the third appointment though.”

Chanyeol only nodded and drove away, not asking for more. If Sehun wanted to talk he would but he wasn’t going to pry.

“I saw my mother cheating when I was younger.” He whispered after a moment of silence. “I just remembered…”

At the confession, Chanyeol looked at him in surprise but the younger refused to meet his gaze. The older one wanted to say something, to comfort him maybe but he didn’t know how.

  
From what Sehun told him, it meant he had tried to forget and push the memories away. Chanyeol couldn’t imagine how he would have felt if he had seen his parents cheat. It must have been shocking for a kid. Chanyeol’s chest hurt thinking about a younger Sehun traumatized by what he saw. He hoped Sehun would be able to talk about it with his therapist and would get better now that the source of his condition was finally out in the open.

Sehun turned up the volume of the radio and his boyfriend understood that he didn’t want to talk at all. Sehun had to open up to a stranger about his condition and Chanyeol knew how difficult it must be for the younger to talk about something as intimate as his sex life and inner thoughts on the subject. He knew Sehun had been afraid to be judged, he had not sleep the night before his first appointment and had nearly broke Chanyeol’s hand when it was his turn.

The second time was easier and at the third time it was becoming a routine. Chanyeol was glad. He had been worried it would worsen Sehun’s condition but on the contrary the younger looked more at ease with himself. Now, he would initiate their make out session and let Chanyeol hug him without tensing.

Sehun surprised him even more that day when he sat between Chanyeol’s legs to watch a movie in the evening. His boyfriend let his hands rest at his sides as the younger made himself comfortable against his chest. Sehun didn’t seem satisfied though because he took Chanyeol’s hands in his and put them around his waist, letting out a content sigh when it was done. Chanyeol bit his lips to hold in his excited scream, smiling widely. To say he was elated was an understatement.

“I can hear you think!” Sehun chuckled.

Chanyeol tightened his grip on him and kissed his cheek a few times. “I’m happy.” The younger snorted but let his boyfriend smother him with kisses, secretly pleased by the attention. The older one didn’t try anything more, respecting his boundaries, and Sehun rewarded him by guiding his hands on his hips,  _under his T-shirt_. He felt Chanyeol’s breath hitch against his nape and grinned when his boyfriend trailed his fingers along his skin gently and carefully. For most people it looked like nothing but for Sehun it was a really big deal. He wasn’t ready for more yet but he knew he was coming there, he could feel it.

Maybe one day he would be able to let Chanyeol touch him without being afraid, or disgusted. Maybe they would make love and Sehun would love it. And maybe he would be the one wanting more.

But for now, that was enough.

One step at a time.

 


End file.
